


The Trick is the Treat

by xanthera



Category: Heathers (1988), Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Gen, Halloween, I just want my shitty kids to be happy okay, Pranks and Practical Jokes, They're all friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-11 12:35:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16475675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xanthera/pseuds/xanthera
Summary: Another messy breakup, another night consoling a distraught Heather McNamara. Nothing new, really, but this wasn't a relationship of status; she genuinely liked the guy.And he broke her heart.This will not go unpunished.





	The Trick is the Treat

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [xanthera](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xanthera/pseuds/xanthera) in the [Heathers_Fanfic_Challenge](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Heathers_Fanfic_Challenge) collection. 



> I'm not entirely satisfied with how this turned out, but it's self-indulgent friend fluff anyway, so who cares if there's no actual conflict? I just wanted to have some fun, and I did, which is all that matters :)
> 
> This fic is somewhat more movie-compliant than musical, at least in terms of McNamara's personality

“I fucking hate boys! I’m -hic- I’m finished with dating forever!”

Veronica resisted the urge to roll her eyes as she handed yet another tissue to her friend.

This was par for the course, being friends with Heather McNamara. The girl had a revolving door of boyfriends - Veronica had trouble keeping track of who she was dating at any given point - so less-than-pleasant breakups were a regular occurrence. That left her friends to play damage control, which mostly consisted of listening to her blubber while eating ice cream straight from the tub and watching romantic comedies. Two weeks later, she’d have another new beau on her arm, likely with just as much shine and just as little substance as the last.

At least, that’s how it usually went. Veronica had a feeling that this next ‘I’m done dating’ phase would last quite a bit longer than the last, if the amount of ice cream Mac had already gone through in fifteen minutes was anything to go by.

“I just -hic- can’t believe Andrew would do that!” McNamara wailed as she opened her second pint of Ben & Jerry’s. “He just fucking goes ‘I’m sorry, do I know you?’ in the middle of the hallway! In front of the whole -hic- cheer squad!”

She sobbed around a spoonful of cookie dough as Chandler halfheartedly patted her shoulder. “Yeah, boys are trash,” she said, candidly shooting a look of exasperation to Duke and Veronica. “Even when you only date them for status, they still find ways to disappoint you.”

“But I thought he was different! I thought he cared!”

Duke scoffed, but hastily disguised it as a coughing fit before asking, “What made you think that?”

McNamara sniffled. “He actually tried to get to know me and stuff. A few weeks ago he- he asked me what my favorite flower was, and then right after lunch that same day he brought- he brought me a bouquet of yellow snapdragons!”

Veronica gaped. “ _That’s_ what that was about? I thought they were just from another creepy ‘admirer’ who doesn’t know how girls work.”

“We were going to do couples costumes for Ram’s big Halloween party,” McNamara said, her voice cracking. “But now he’s going to go dressed up as a ketchup bottle with fucking _Kimberly_ as the mustard instead me! Like none of it mattered!”

Chandler scrutinized McNamara as she blew her nose and tried to calm her breathing. “Heather, you… Shit, you really liked him.”

McNamara nodded weakly.

Without a hint of hesitation, Chandler pulled the sniffling mess of a girl into her arms and squeezed. “Oh, sweetie.”

Veronica’s jaw went slack as she watched Heather McNamara cling to Heather Chandler like she was her lifeline. _Well, color me surprised_ , she mused. _The demon has a soul._

“He’s going to pay,” Chandler growled. “We’re going to make him regret the day he even looked at you. This asshole is fucking dead.”

 _Definitely still a demon, though._ Not that Veronica was complaining. The Heathers may have been bitches, but Mac was still her friend, and she was more than happy to exact some deserved revenge on the dick that hurt her.

Duke’s face also lit up at the idea. “Oooooh, what are we going to do to him?”

“You seem extra eager,” Veronica said, quirking an eyebrow.

“Andrew made me and three other people fail a class because he fucked us over in a group project. I never tried to get back at him because it was about academic shit and not social, so I kind of figured…” She gestured vaguely at Chandler, who flipped her off with one hand while still hugging McNamara.

Veronica reached up and grabbed the yellow phone from McNamara’s nightstand. “Alright, if we’re going to fuck with this guy, I’m going to call JD for some extra help with whatever crazy prank I know we’re going to pull.”

Chandler rolled her eyes. “Ugh, fine. But he better not drag us into doing something of questionable legality.”

Veronica didn’t look up from the phone as she dialed. “Heather, you seduced a liquor store clerk into selling alcohol to a teenager with an obviously fake ID not thirty minutes ago, and you parked in the handicap space to do it; I don’t want to hear about illegal activity from you. Anyway, we all know that dumping someone that horribly is grounds for slashing his tires, at the very least.”

“...Touche.”

McNamara sniffled and pulled away from Chandler to watch Veronica on the phone.

“Hey, it’s Ronnie. I’m at Heather Mac’s house. Do you want to help us get back at an asshole who needs his ego knocked down a peg?” There was a pause, then Veronica smiled. “See you in a little bit, then.” She rattled off the address to JD, then hung up the phone and grinned at McNamara. “Good news: Andrew is fucked.”

Fifteen minutes later, the roar of a motorcycle alerted the girls to JD’s arrival. Veronica greeted him at the door with a peck on the lips. He still smelled of the outdoors after his ride, like dead leaves and the benign decay of autumn.

“Alright, so what did the guy do that warrants putting me on the same team as the Heathers?” he asked as they made their way upstairs.

“He let Heather Mac think that he actually cared about her as a person rather than a pretty face, then publicly dumped her in front of her cheer squad friends by saying, ‘Do I know you?’ when she went to say hi. Started dating another girl the same day, too.”

JD’s eyebrows jumped into his hairline. “Okay, yeah, that is a dick move.”

“And the girl code demands that we see justice done, which is where you come in. Andrew Price isn’t getting off easy for toying with Mac’s emotions.”

JD practically tripped on the stairs. “ _That_ asshole? Yeah, I’m definitely in.”

Veronica snorted. “Sounds like he’s had it coming for a while. This should be satisfying.”

The Heathers looked up with faces of varying levels of skepticism as Veronica and JD entered the room, but he either ignored them or didn't notice.

“Alright,” he said, clapping his hands together. “First things first, we’re doing this tomorrow. Tonight is the planning stage.”

“What the hell?” Chandler barked. “Why? This asshole needs to die ASAP.”

JD huffed. “It’s Halloween tomorrow. It’ll be easier to cover our tracks if we prank him when everyone else is pulling their own Halloween pranks.”

Chandler blinked. “That… is actually really smart, Dean.”

JD grinned. “I do try. Now, are we going to fuck with his mind or his property?”

“Preferably both,” McNamara growled. “We’re gonna slash his tires, but there’s gotta be more we can do.”

JD nodded. “Keying his car would also be good, as long as we don’t key a name into it. Just write ‘asshole’ or something vague like that, nothing that could be traced back to any specific person. And if we want to mess with his head we could-” He stopped as the sound of a pencil on paper reached his ears, and he turned to see Duke writing feverishly. “Are you taking notes?”

“Hell yeah,” Duke said, not looking up.

“Well, as long as you’re doing your homework, mark down that we should only slash three tires. Slash all four and his insurance will probably pay for it.”

Veronica stared. “Why do you know that?!”

“You think I lived with someone like my dad for seventeen years and didn’t learn anything about insurance fraud?”

“Okay, fair point.”

“And how do we mess with his head?” McNamara’s red-rimmed eyes burned with resentment.

JD sat down next to Veronica and smiled. “I have a few ideas.”

 

The soft thuds of a muffled bass were already audible as Heather Chandler’s Porsche pulled up a few houses down from Ram Sweeney’s. The party was clearly in full swing, and at 10:30 at night, the group was confident that no partygoers or Trick or Treaters would interfere with their quest for vengeance.

“There,” said McNamara, pointing as she stepped out of the car. “That blue pickup on the other side of the street.”

As casually as possible, the Heathers-plus-JD made their way to Andrew’s truck.

The crisp air nipped at Veronica’s hands as she drove her blade into one of the tires. The witch costume she had thrown together didn’t offer much protection from the cold, but it would serve as a way to blend in with the other party-goers, as would the matching witch outfits that the Heathers sported and JD’s vampire makeup and plastic fangs.

A satisfying hiss signaled that she had breached the thick rubber, followed closely by another hiss from the tire JD had sliced. On the other side of the car, Duke had also slashed one of the tires, and was now busying herself keying something into the side with McNamara.

Chandler, refusing to risk her perfect manicure, had opted instead to bring a carton of eggs, and was busying herself with covering as much of the car as possible while keeping a lookout for any witnesses.

“Alright,” Duke said as she stood up. “My masterpiece is complete.”

“Hold on, I’m still working on the ‘E’ and then I’ll be-” McNamara gasped in delight. “Oh my god, Heather, that’s perfect.”

Veronica and JD moved to the driver’s side of the car, and Veronica snorted at the delightfully realistic penis that duke had carved into the door. “How very. Are we done?”

Chandler nodded. “With the vandalism, yeah. Now we just have to wait for him to see the damage.” She gestured to Ram’s house with a grin. “Shall we?”

The five teens entered the house with a spring in their step. As Veronica had expected, the chaos of the party had begun to reach its peak. Several kids were sprawled across the furniture in various states of drunkenness, and more than a few couples were getting dangerously close to third base on the dance floor. She took a few moments to admire a few of the more interesting and clever costumes (a girl wearing several name-tags and calling herself 'an identity crisis' drew a hearty chuckle from both her and JD) before following the Heathers over to the open bar.

After an hour or so of light drinking and schmoozing, she noticed McNamara staring wistfully into the distance, and Veronica followed her gaze to the far wall, where two oversized condiment bottles were currently the life of the party.

Veronica placed her hand on her knee and squeezed. “You’re going to find someone that makes you feel like that again, Mac, and he _won't_ be a total douche.”

McNamara sighed, but still managed a small smile. “Thanks, Ronnie.”

_“Hey, Andrew! Your truck got fuckin’ egged, dude!”_

The heads of nearly everyone at the party turned at the sound of Kurt Kelly’s drunken yell. A giant ketchup bottle shoved its way to the front door, the Heathers and JD close on his heels, along with a slew of curious onlookers.

Andrew ran to his car and let out a loud string of curses as he beheld the fruits of the Heathers’ revenge, practically hopping with rage as he noticed the obviously flat tires. The other guests who had followed him outside broke into peels of laughter; the keyed message and image of a flaccid penis was clear for all to see.

Veronica imagined that her friends were experiencing the exact same petty satisfaction that she was.

Ram Sweeney, stumbling in his drunkenness, hollered, “Holy shit, you got Halloween’ed so hard, man!”

Andrew shook with rage as he stomped back to the house, and Heather McNamara made herself scarce as he pushed past. Moments later, he emerged with a mustard bottle in tow and made his way back to his vandalized truck. She opened the passenger door gingerly, clearly trying to come in contact with as little of the egg residue as possible.

The engine turned over loudly, and the crowd roared with laughter as Andrew was forced to drive away at a snail’s pace on his three flat tires.

JD smirked. “That’s our cue.”

“Do you think we’ll beat them there?” Duke asked as the group headed back to Chandler’s car.

“We will now that they have three flats.” Chandler slipped into the driver’s seat and tapped her fingers as the others filed into the car. “Especially since he’ll have to drop Kimberly off first. Now, on to phase two.”

Veronica clung to JD as Chandler floored the gas and sped off towards the rural area where Andrew lived.

 

“Alright, the car’s hidden.” Veronica brushed her hands off on her skirt as Duke and Chandler followed her out of the brush. “The tarp almost wasn’t big enough, but we made it work. The extra branches should help with anything shifty about it.” She shivered as a gust of wind rushed past, dead leaves swirling around her.

JD finished moving the large branch onto the road and turned back to face her. “So we’re all ready?”

“Yep.” Duke handed him a bundle of black faux fur with a grin. “Time to scare the shit out of him.”

JD nodded and handed his coat to Veronica before putting on the gorilla costume, the smirk never leaving his face.

Mac’s voice echoed in chill air. “I see headlights!”

JD shoved the gorilla mask onto his head, ducking into the bushes as the girls shut off their flashlights and hid behind Chandler’s disguised car.

The slow crunching of tires on gravel faded into existence and then came to a halt as the blue truck stopped in front of the tree branch. A grumbling Andrew Price stomped out of the car and stared at the offending piece of wood like it had personally insulted him before dragging it off the road.

A rustling of branches made him freeze. He shook as he stood slowly upright, and turned just in time to see JD lumbering out of the bushes towards him, growling indistinctly.

The scream that erupted from Andrew’s throat could have rivaled Chandler’s in shrillness. He jumped into his car and peeled away down the road as fast as his shredded tires could carry him.

McNamara howled with laughter as his headlights faded into the distance. “Oh my god! His face!”

JD pulled off the mask and stumbled over to the car, nearly doubled over with laughter. “He pissed himself! He literally pissed himself!”

“Oh my _god_ ,” Veronica wheezed, “that was the best prank I think I will ever be a part of.”

JD smirked at Chandler. “Now doesn’t it feel better pranking someone who actually deserves it over some random math nerd?”

Chandler’s smile didn’t even falter. “You know what? It does.”

Veronica huffed as she and McNamara folded up the tarp, but still smiled fondly. “Great, now there’s two of them.”

Duke looked between JD and Chandler. “Two of whom?”

“Does it matter? It’s trouble either way.”

JD rolled his eyes as he slipped out of the costume. “You love us.”

Veronica kissed him on the cheek. “Well, I love you, anyway.”

Chandler made an exaggerated gagging sound. “Alright, enough PDA. Who’s up for drinks at my place?”

 

“And then she just fucking _chugs_ the bong water!”

McNamara buried her face in her hands. “I didn’t know what to do! I’d never seen one before!”

The five teens had settled around Chandler’s glass coffee table, a bottle of vodka and a pile of Halloween candy that had gone unclaimed by Trick-or-Treaters to the Chandler house between them. By 1AM, the sugar and alcohol had turned them all into little more than giggling children, and the embarrassing stories were starting to come out.

Chandler broke through her laughter to continue the story. “So she just stands there, looking like she’s gonna puke, but then she puts it back on the table and keeps going with the party like she meant to do it, and suddenly everyone thinks she’s hardcore or some shit.”

JD clutched his stomach and wiped away a tear of mirth. “Oh my god, that’s- that’s fucking incredible!”

McNamara hung her head. “And now I have to do it at every party.”

Veronica, wheezing, leaned heavily on McNamara’s shoulder. “Mac, holy shit, I love you so much.”

The rest of their Halloween night passed in much the same manner, with laughter, drinks, and a sense of harmony between JD and the Heathers that Veronica never thought she’d see. But all agreed that the greatest treat came the following Monday, when Andrew Price went from desirable jock to ‘bigfoot conspiracy theorist loser.’

Truly, revenge was sweet.

 

 _ ** **Sherwood Chronicle** **_  
November 3, 1989

** **HALLOWEEN HORROR**  
**Ohio Grassman Sighting Spooks Sherwood Student** **

**Author's Note:**

> The "Mac drinks bong water" bit was inspired by a discussion in the Heathers Online discord, so shoutout to the hilarious people involved with that saga


End file.
